better late than never…to come up with some good epitaphs

Sometimes people weirdly think I have good people skills but I’m here to say that you are wrong.

As a senior in high school applying to colleges, I was so confident of my potential. Anything! Is! Possible! The reality of it is I had no idea what I was doing, got lazy, and only applied to four schools. I russian rouletted the “good” schools and based my first choice school off of location. But wait– I loved this school. I deserved to go to this school. Nobody wanted it more than me. This school needed me. Right now, I don’t even remember the university’s motto.

…actually I just realized I don’t even know Penn State’s motto, so maybe that’s not the best example.

-edit- It’s “Making Life Better.” That actually doesn’t sound the least bit familiar to me. Are you supposed to know your school’s motto?

Anyway, I attribute much of the reason I am not at this school (besides, you know, not being good enough–also maybe because I’m about to reference Gossip Girl) due to an in hindsight, disastrous first interview. Never, ever, make your first college interview your first-choice college interview. If you’re applying ED and this is not possible, well, just try to be better.

I can pinpoint exactly the point at which this interview began to look like the last season of Gossip Girl (read: trainwreck). This is significant because I literally can’t tell you what I was doing five minutes ago.

Interviewer: “Hmm…I think that’s all the questions I’ve got for you….unless….”

Me: “heh..heh…what’s that?”

Him: “Well…usually I wouldn’t ask this but…”


Him: “I wanted to ask you what you’d want your epitaph to be to describe yourself but….I shouldn’t do that to you…”

Him: -expectant look-

Me: Oogity boogity boo.

Okay, I didn’t actually say that, but I might as well have. It was bad enough that every so often I’ll just be living my life as usual when suddenly I remember it and I have to do my spasm-of-awkwardness-recall dance–and in my 20 years of awkwardly existing, only two other instances make me do this.

Now a couple years later, I’ve come up with several epitaphs that I think would be fitting ways for me to describe the way I am. Come and ask me again, guy. I’m ready…for you to not laugh at any of my jokes. Here are my top four so far:

“If only she’d looked both ways.”

“Don’t pet stray cats.”

“Cookies don’t count as dinner.”

“You should push the revolving doors faster.”

Don’t you see the ingeniousity in this? Even from the grave, I’m imparting words of wisdom. Also, I made that word up. Artistic license, guys.

-note- I’m still alive. Also, I know, I am/was clearly a quality candidate for any college.