and then I walked around high off the caffeine fumes

What I wore to work today, sorta:

This is my “I am Unamused face.”

You might be wondering why I would ever want to wear anything other than my requisite red or blue polo shirt. I do not have an answer for this.

You might also be wondering why I am so very, very unamused. I do have an answer for this! But first, there are a couple of things you should know:

1. The dining hall provides free, surprisingly good coffee all day.
2. I like free things.
3. The automatic doors, while heavy and cumbersome to open by hand, could cause one to grow grey hairs waiting for it to open by itself.
4. For some reason, today there were no lids for the coffee cups.
5. The guy walking behind us decided he was no match for the unwieldy door already being propped open by two 20 year old girls.

You may already have a general idea of what happens next. If your idea is that as we walked through one of the double doors, the guy behind us decided he could not slip through the ALREADY OPEN DOOR but needed to push the automatic door button, prompting the second door to open without warning on my fellow intern, spilling her un-lidded cup of coffee all down her shirt–well, then you are wrong.

Because that happened to me.

Conclusion: either the uniform gods were smiling down on me by willing me to wear a flowered blouse on which a whole cup of spilled coffee would never show, or they were showing me their wrath at my abandonment of the polo shirts.

Also, I believe my unamused face could also double as my bored face. This is not bad acting; this  is  multi-tasking.

cliché on cliché on cliché

The other day I told someone I was 19 years old.

“No-No. 20.” I blurted out thirty seconds later. “Sorry, I’m twenty.”

It seemed silly then; insignificant at the time, like forgetting to put sugar in my coffee or pushing the floor button in an elevator. Because more often than not the stranger who gets on next will stand there with me a moment until finally reaching over to press “G.” I’ll laugh sheepishly, but it’ll happen again the next day. So I’m still getting used to not being a teenager anymore, you see. I’ve only been twenty for 42 days.

Twenty.

Sometimes I feel like (warning: cliché) my life is over before its even begun. Graduate. Get a job. Work eight hours a day, go home, eat, sleep, repeat. In a blink of an eye, I’ll be 50.

Other times I feel like (warning: cliché) my life is just beginning. Because I’m twenty goddamn it and everyone knows that’s the age that you–find yourself! Discover what you were truly meant to be! Change the world!

Remember when we were young and we dreamed as big as we wanted because everyone knew we’d grow out of it some day? I told people I’d be the first female president of the United States.  Then I went to school and realized that politics just depress me. I also dreamed of being a Neopets millionare, and when I finally achieved that, I forgot my password. Every so often I think about my poor, starving meerca and the 176 neopoints I’m losing every day in bank interest. Now I wonder if he’s still alive. Can neopets die?

Somewhere along the way I became half-hearted, content. I lost my passion for—for what? Living? Life? Dreaming? Have my own musings really become such a cliché?

It’s okay though. It’s only been 42 days. For now.

-Edit- How ironic that after a re-read I’ve noticed that telling myself “It’s only been 42 days” only reinforces my  passiveness.

june 6

It is currently 8:17 am and once again I hate myself for not going to bed earlier.

Let the cycle of self loathing begin!